I realize that the darling friends that occasion this blog grew up in orderly multi-child homes, with parents who taught their children what household (calendar, laundry, clean-up) questions to ask -- and the answers, always keep their laundry done and have practically perfect children. It is wonderful to call all of you friends. For me this large family thing is a happy struggle. I love to hear the music being practiced. I adore SKJNM's smiling faces, feeding my family is a pleasure (when I decide what to make), driving gives me time to be with the children, my marriage is dreamy and yet... what is wrong? Nothing terrible or necessarily profound ... but there are unresolved issues.
Last summer I decided to finish the house. When we built the addition we left a lot undone to save money, keep our payments low. First priority was the girls' bathroom. That snowballed into the family room, which was in need of attention. Meanwhile the garage was finished. That snowballed into the dreaded Holiday Home tour that wasn't; I am still cleaning up projects related to that. My mantra became, HOUSE OF ORDER.HOUSEOFORDER.HOUSEOFORDER!
The thinking was, once the house is in order the children will make better progress with their music, they will do better in school, I will loose weight. Hmmm. Months have gone by since I ate chocolate, or significant sugar. I go to spin classes 3 days, and on other days walk Ginger and do other activities. I am patient, only so much can be done. What is up? Is this all somehow related to stress? If so, how can it be reduced? Can it be? What gives?
Last month Marie Ricks came to speak at our ward. I had read her articles in the Deseret News. And while looking up "house of order" serendipitously came onto her web site. The morning after her visit to our ward I sent her an email and asked if she could visit my home. She does this for a modest fee. She said she would and we set a date.
I had looked forward to her visit (S even teased me about it), yet I didn't over-do it on the house. It was in it's natural state. She was wonderful and super kind to Margo.
Here are some of my notes and my/our assignments:
• Do 2 loads of laundry a day, NO MATTER WHAT! No one gets dinner until their laundry is put away. Period. Turn their plates over. If they say, "I don't want dinner. Raspberry." Say, firmly and calmly, "That is o.k. but you still need to be here. ... or, put your laundry away." She told me that if my laundry is done everything will fall into place.
•No phone before noon --- I'll add: no email either!
•Get rid of half of our stuff. Too much stuff = stress. This I know and regularly purge. Her assignment though is tough: Go to DI (Goodwill) twice a week. Really. No need to give away treasures.
•I am doing many things right. :)
•Give the children a job that they will have for a month (not weekly).
• (For the upcoming transition of C's job) C needs to make a list, room by room of what needs to be done.
•Start a room by going to the right, wall by wall.
•Women today are not the same as women of the past. It is FINE to hire people to help with the house cleaning, and drop off laundry service (My favorite!).
•The entry way is the most important for the children. Make it a top priority.
•Expectations are not the same as Inspections of children's jobs.
There were others as well.
I had told her about my schedule. Going to SLC for speech therapy with N &M twice a week. Classes (music, taekwondo & ballet). Trying to improve services for Deaf children in Utah County. Advocacy. Homework. C's incessant traveling. Spin & Diet. Creative projects. Project time with Ashley. M's preschools. Church.She looked at the calendar and heaved a sigh.
I mentioned that perhaps we need to see a family therapist and I was unloading too much on her. Marie said I'd be amazed at what she sees and says. After giving me the laundry assignment she said, "... and I will tell you Why." The children feel abandoned. She went on to tell me that I feel abandoned. The children don't have a reason to succeed, there is no time to do their homework together with us, or even alone. They don't see it as a priority to us. The need to take care of N & M, and often S, K & J, leaves everyone in the cold. While I am away they don't progress. I am often away (as I am now, typing or working on a project etc.) even when I am home. This is a lot to think about. C and I had a long talk this morning. Other very important things have been abandoned too.
This will all be accomplished by the end of May. Ongoing, of course, but good habits will be established. She will be coming again in April.
